“Humble Pie”
A Vignette by Jonathan Rossignol
A Vignette by Jonathan Rossignol
“Why is it so hard to find a good man these days?” the woman asked unprompted.
After a moment of contemplating her bait the man said, “I’ve never dated one myself, but I can offer some advice from my perspective as a man who only dates women. Whether it’s good, bad, or ugly I guess that’s up to you to decide, but perhaps with what my insight provides, you may discover something that you would have otherwise turned a blind eye.”
“Shoot,” the woman said as she took a bite of pie.
“If, as a woman, you come off as hard to please and difficult to satisfy by any means, or for the most part you behave like an insufferable bitch who suffers from self-entitlement, then congratulations… you’re an ordinary woman. Now, let me clue you in on a little industry secret that’ll help you set yourself apart from the crowd and standout as extraordinary.” The woman rolled her eyes as if to say here we go, before taking yet another bite of pie. The man asked the woman, “You know when you take a shit?”
Excuse me were the only words the woman could utter before choking and had to cover her mouth to avoid spitting pie onto the diner’s countertop as she coughed. The man looked concerned until the woman finished clearing her throat and sentence with a grunt. “What?” she said.
Picking up where he left off, the man continued nonchalantly, “You know how you ladies sit down when you go pee? And every now and then something comes out the other end? Well, the next time that happens this is what I want you to do, okay? I want you to stand up, turn around, bow down and stick your face in it. Not like all the way in it, I don’t want you to make yourself sick, but just take a moment and hover above that hole located in the center of that place where you usually spend your time sitting on your ass. Not only do I want you to take a good hard look at what you’ve done, but I want you to get a good whiff of that shit. Most women I know appreciate wine. You must enjoy a glass of wine from time to time, don’t you? What I’m trying to say is, you need to acquire a nose for this shit, and then you tell me if it doesn’t stink.”
Before the woman could say anything the man continued as if he had an epiphany, “Actually, on second thought, I think it’d be best if you made that personal discovery on your own time and decide for yourself whether or not to take that secret to the grave. I’ll tell you this much though, people like me, we already know the secret, but don’t worry… your secret’s safe with me. However, once you’ve discovered the secret for yourself - I don’t want you to be alarmed, because the good news is that I think you’ll discover that the secret will relieve you of all those burdens that have been plaguing your life thus far.”
The woman stuck her fork in the pie and slid her plate a few inches away as if to disengage. The man noticed that she had no intention of finishing the pie and inquired if she wouldn’t mind sliding her pie his way, to which she granted him his request with a capricious smirk forced upon an unflattering expression.
The man took a bite while the woman signaled to the server for the check. With a mouthful, the man said, “I think you’ll be relieved to discover that you are in fact not an extraterrestrial being that was sent to earth, and you’re not some fifth dimensional entity that’s projected from some zodiac Starfleet command center, and…” the man swallowed the contents of his just desserts before leaning towards the woman and whispered, “…you are most certainly, and by far, not a Goddess.”
With a friendly smile, the server approached the counter where the man and the woman were sitting next to each other. The server placed the check between the two of them and said, “Whenever you’re ready,” in a neutral but pleasant address to whoever would claim responsibility for the pie, before rushing away to serve the demands of other patrons who also needed attention.
The man said, “I think overall you’ll find the experience quite humbling to say the least, especially once you realize that you are in fact a human being - who functions just like the rest of us. I think this revelation will be helpful for you, because it means you’ll be able to let go of all your phony baloney expectations of mankind that were predicated upon false beliefs, and trade it all in for a fresh perspective on life. After that you’ll be ready to take the necessary steps to begin learning what it means to be human (you know, once you indeed realize that is what you are), so that you may not only be more inclined to understand your fellow man… but you may even find yourself relating to him in ways that are genuinely satisfying to you.”
“Naturally,” the woman said, as she picked up the tab and bid the man farewell.
©2021 Live Free Live Rich Entertainment
After a moment of contemplating her bait the man said, “I’ve never dated one myself, but I can offer some advice from my perspective as a man who only dates women. Whether it’s good, bad, or ugly I guess that’s up to you to decide, but perhaps with what my insight provides, you may discover something that you would have otherwise turned a blind eye.”
“Shoot,” the woman said as she took a bite of pie.
“If, as a woman, you come off as hard to please and difficult to satisfy by any means, or for the most part you behave like an insufferable bitch who suffers from self-entitlement, then congratulations… you’re an ordinary woman. Now, let me clue you in on a little industry secret that’ll help you set yourself apart from the crowd and standout as extraordinary.” The woman rolled her eyes as if to say here we go, before taking yet another bite of pie. The man asked the woman, “You know when you take a shit?”
Excuse me were the only words the woman could utter before choking and had to cover her mouth to avoid spitting pie onto the diner’s countertop as she coughed. The man looked concerned until the woman finished clearing her throat and sentence with a grunt. “What?” she said.
Picking up where he left off, the man continued nonchalantly, “You know how you ladies sit down when you go pee? And every now and then something comes out the other end? Well, the next time that happens this is what I want you to do, okay? I want you to stand up, turn around, bow down and stick your face in it. Not like all the way in it, I don’t want you to make yourself sick, but just take a moment and hover above that hole located in the center of that place where you usually spend your time sitting on your ass. Not only do I want you to take a good hard look at what you’ve done, but I want you to get a good whiff of that shit. Most women I know appreciate wine. You must enjoy a glass of wine from time to time, don’t you? What I’m trying to say is, you need to acquire a nose for this shit, and then you tell me if it doesn’t stink.”
Before the woman could say anything the man continued as if he had an epiphany, “Actually, on second thought, I think it’d be best if you made that personal discovery on your own time and decide for yourself whether or not to take that secret to the grave. I’ll tell you this much though, people like me, we already know the secret, but don’t worry… your secret’s safe with me. However, once you’ve discovered the secret for yourself - I don’t want you to be alarmed, because the good news is that I think you’ll discover that the secret will relieve you of all those burdens that have been plaguing your life thus far.”
The woman stuck her fork in the pie and slid her plate a few inches away as if to disengage. The man noticed that she had no intention of finishing the pie and inquired if she wouldn’t mind sliding her pie his way, to which she granted him his request with a capricious smirk forced upon an unflattering expression.
The man took a bite while the woman signaled to the server for the check. With a mouthful, the man said, “I think you’ll be relieved to discover that you are in fact not an extraterrestrial being that was sent to earth, and you’re not some fifth dimensional entity that’s projected from some zodiac Starfleet command center, and…” the man swallowed the contents of his just desserts before leaning towards the woman and whispered, “…you are most certainly, and by far, not a Goddess.”
With a friendly smile, the server approached the counter where the man and the woman were sitting next to each other. The server placed the check between the two of them and said, “Whenever you’re ready,” in a neutral but pleasant address to whoever would claim responsibility for the pie, before rushing away to serve the demands of other patrons who also needed attention.
The man said, “I think overall you’ll find the experience quite humbling to say the least, especially once you realize that you are in fact a human being - who functions just like the rest of us. I think this revelation will be helpful for you, because it means you’ll be able to let go of all your phony baloney expectations of mankind that were predicated upon false beliefs, and trade it all in for a fresh perspective on life. After that you’ll be ready to take the necessary steps to begin learning what it means to be human (you know, once you indeed realize that is what you are), so that you may not only be more inclined to understand your fellow man… but you may even find yourself relating to him in ways that are genuinely satisfying to you.”
“Naturally,” the woman said, as she picked up the tab and bid the man farewell.
©2021 Live Free Live Rich Entertainment
