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"Mary Lee Whales"
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“A Game of Fun Gone Wrong”
A school teacher becomes obsessed with a local urban legend after an unbelievable sighting of a horrific apparition. A fellow faculty member shares a tale about Mary Lee Whales, the daughter of a Mr. Whales, and some of the gruesome history surrounding her family name. The teacher becomes hell-bent on finding out whether or not there is any truth to the curse of Bloody Mary or if it’s just some spooky slumber party past-time. Sometimes urban legends hit closer to home than some would like to believe.
A school teacher becomes obsessed with a local urban legend after an unbelievable sighting of a horrific apparition. A fellow faculty member shares a tale about Mary Lee Whales, the daughter of a Mr. Whales, and some of the gruesome history surrounding her family name. The teacher becomes hell-bent on finding out whether or not there is any truth to the curse of Bloody Mary or if it’s just some spooky slumber party past-time. Sometimes urban legends hit closer to home than some would like to believe.
Readability
The story is narrated in the first person through the point of view of the main character. “Mary Lee Whales” reads like a retelling of events like a campfire tale. There were some minor logistical errors in the story that caused me to stutter step in my reading. One was a simple name mix up with one of the characters (Michael/Mark), and then I stumbled upon another inconsistency within the news article info (“Eleven year old Mary Sue…”, “The youngest being twelve years old…”). These inconsistencies didn’t hurt the overall narrative because the story was so short, but these are the type of errors that can add up when writing in longer storytelling formats - that may have several different character names or key details for the reader to remember. There was also a plot hole in the ending that took away from the overall impact of what was otherwise a clever twist (there are no real hints of the narrator’s identity throughout the story).
Creative Style
Within the plot there are a few different mini-stories delivered in different ways that add to the tension of the overall narrative, as the curse becomes more and more believable as new information presents itself. The narrator receives a backstory from a colleague, there’s the cliché approach of utilizing “news articles”, but the author also adds a scientific angle to the Bloody Mary story by touching upon researched phenomena surrounding hallucinations witnessed in mirrors. I thought the last example introduced a layer of depth that made me think this was more of a psychological thriller than a simple ghost story (based on what I knew about the actual existence of a Mary Lee Whales character within the context of the overall narrative).
Delivery
I think “Mary Lee Whales” contained some good ideas that were just poorly executed. The dialogue early on in the story between the teacher and a co-worker seemed unnatural given the circumstances. I was able to suspend disbelief while Michael (or was it Mark?) talks about how the whole Bloody Mary backstory, that he was able to recall word for word on the spot, was just “a legend made up to scare little kids”. However, later on when the MC meets him at a bar, he goes on to share a traumatic childhood anecdote involving the very legend he spoke on. This was the same character that poo-pooed the main character’s paranormal claim but turns around and actually had anecdotal evidence of a paranormal experience based on the same spirit. You’d think he’d be a little more understanding, especially since he seemed to be the most significant repository of info on the subject.
The most gripping part of the story was when the main character deep dives into an all-nighter on the interwebs - researching the incidents, lore, and University studies surrounding the curse of Bloody Mary. That’s when the narrative became something more than just a ghost story, for me. The newfound themes added a psychological element to the ending which I thought was a great concept. However, due to a lack of set up, the conclusion felt like it came out of left field. There wasn’t so much as a single mention of a “Mr. Hale” anywhere prior in the tale, which would have delivered the desired twist I think the author was aiming for, but instead the noose had a loose end.
The story is narrated in the first person through the point of view of the main character. “Mary Lee Whales” reads like a retelling of events like a campfire tale. There were some minor logistical errors in the story that caused me to stutter step in my reading. One was a simple name mix up with one of the characters (Michael/Mark), and then I stumbled upon another inconsistency within the news article info (“Eleven year old Mary Sue…”, “The youngest being twelve years old…”). These inconsistencies didn’t hurt the overall narrative because the story was so short, but these are the type of errors that can add up when writing in longer storytelling formats - that may have several different character names or key details for the reader to remember. There was also a plot hole in the ending that took away from the overall impact of what was otherwise a clever twist (there are no real hints of the narrator’s identity throughout the story).
Creative Style
Within the plot there are a few different mini-stories delivered in different ways that add to the tension of the overall narrative, as the curse becomes more and more believable as new information presents itself. The narrator receives a backstory from a colleague, there’s the cliché approach of utilizing “news articles”, but the author also adds a scientific angle to the Bloody Mary story by touching upon researched phenomena surrounding hallucinations witnessed in mirrors. I thought the last example introduced a layer of depth that made me think this was more of a psychological thriller than a simple ghost story (based on what I knew about the actual existence of a Mary Lee Whales character within the context of the overall narrative).
Delivery
I think “Mary Lee Whales” contained some good ideas that were just poorly executed. The dialogue early on in the story between the teacher and a co-worker seemed unnatural given the circumstances. I was able to suspend disbelief while Michael (or was it Mark?) talks about how the whole Bloody Mary backstory, that he was able to recall word for word on the spot, was just “a legend made up to scare little kids”. However, later on when the MC meets him at a bar, he goes on to share a traumatic childhood anecdote involving the very legend he spoke on. This was the same character that poo-pooed the main character’s paranormal claim but turns around and actually had anecdotal evidence of a paranormal experience based on the same spirit. You’d think he’d be a little more understanding, especially since he seemed to be the most significant repository of info on the subject.
The most gripping part of the story was when the main character deep dives into an all-nighter on the interwebs - researching the incidents, lore, and University studies surrounding the curse of Bloody Mary. That’s when the narrative became something more than just a ghost story, for me. The newfound themes added a psychological element to the ending which I thought was a great concept. However, due to a lack of set up, the conclusion felt like it came out of left field. There wasn’t so much as a single mention of a “Mr. Hale” anywhere prior in the tale, which would have delivered the desired twist I think the author was aiming for, but instead the noose had a loose end.
#LFLR Indie Rating: 4/10
All in all I thought “Mary Lee Whales” was okay, but I think it easily could have been better if just a little more attention was given to the details of the plot. The story puts a creative spin on an age old tale of horror, and gives a small taste of Ashley M. Franklin’s potential as a writer. She has also submitted work as writer and as an illustrator for three different compilations, but Ashley Franklin’s most noteworthy work to date is probably her book “May Babies: A Collection of Birth Stories”: …a compilation of birth stories from twenty three women, who met in a social media group for expecting mothers due in May of 2016.
All in all I thought “Mary Lee Whales” was okay, but I think it easily could have been better if just a little more attention was given to the details of the plot. The story puts a creative spin on an age old tale of horror, and gives a small taste of Ashley M. Franklin’s potential as a writer. She has also submitted work as writer and as an illustrator for three different compilations, but Ashley Franklin’s most noteworthy work to date is probably her book “May Babies: A Collection of Birth Stories”: …a compilation of birth stories from twenty three women, who met in a social media group for expecting mothers due in May of 2016.
